Thursday, 16 January 2014

Give it a rest, that's all it took.

You know those days when everything seems to go wrong? Like those nightmares where you can’t seem to accomplish anything yet can’t seem to escape either…

And that happened to me.

If memory served me right, I remembered months of being in an abyss of darkness and pain, where I felt there was no end in sight. The more I tried not to think about it, the more I did and, the more I died inside. Every day passed by in agonising slowness, and numbness and pain were the only two emotions I felt contained within. Sometimes the heartache would take on a physical dimension, and I would suffer real physical pain, something I never knew could be possible. My chest would tighten and my lungs would feel constricted, and sometimes I really did feel like dying.

Giving up.

The only thought that evaded the mind and soul at that time was a long lingering thought of giving up, festering within the deepest recesses of your mind, just waiting for the right moment to overcome your senses to let everything slipped through my fingers because there was no use anymore to live and fight for, just consigning myself to the fate. My world had indeed come to an end. I was in a complete blur.

But I held on.

All it took was a small microsecond of a thought, life isn't a sailing ship. I figure almost everyone has had a moment, no matter how brief, to be at the bottom of life cycle, to be broken beyond repair. We are human beings, and we all come to a certain phase in our lives where we will be tested, sometimes beyond what we imagine we can endure.

I knew it sounded cliched, but I turned to God more than I ever did in the previous years of my life. My prayers started to become regular, and I found comfort there. I found new joy in being with my family. I immersed myself in learning about the religion I strongly believed in, in depth. I embraced and appreciate the friends I had around until now because they are always there for me, ups and downs. I made it a habit to travel every year to anywhere as far as money was concerned to eradicate the resentment that rested heavily in my heart. Eventually, although the pain did not go disappear, it became bearable, though certain times were more difficult than others.

And I remembered clearly, one day, I woke up in the morning and found no tightness in my chest. I remembered seeing the morning sky, as if I was seeing it for the first time, and the haze that I had been in for the past year had been lifted. The pain was gone. I was finally able to get on with life, not by escaping the pain, or finding comfort in other things. I just gave myself time to internalize what had gone wrong, to reapply the cement on the cracked wall and what was there need to be rectified for the betterment of my life.

I know that my story is hardly unique, and that millions upon millions of people all over the world go through the same thing every day... But that is exactly my point that life is so full of challenges to add colours and spices to our life.

p/s. May the new year bring more joys and blessing in your life ahead! :)

White Crater, Ciwidey, 2013.

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