2012 Highligths

Just few hours away separate us from 2013. How fast times saunter by, huh? Ha-ha. Alhamdulillah…2012 has been a jolly good year for me. Well said, I’m done for another year.

2012? A year of never-ending joy and unadultered moments. A year of self-discovery. A year of tremendous emotional inertia. A year of pre-adulthood phase. A year of edifying oneself. And the list just goes on and on.

I have myriad plans circling in the back of my mind when I have my both legs early in the year. I want to do this. Wait, I want to do that. Hold on, I’m dying to do those things and so on. Some plans happen to be a raging success. Some are just not. Let’s just say my lucky star is not with me. Fret not, even if I failed to achieve them, I know there must be something good in store for me that He, the almighty, keeps it surreptitious from my conscience. In sha Allah…I really hope He still gives me the chance to taste the sweet and sour of 2013 so that I could do things that I failed to achieve back in 2012 all over again.

Anyway…let’s see what are the big events predominantly happening to me throughout the year of 2012.

1# 20 years old

Who is in the right mind doesn’t enamour the life of being a teenager? The exact moment when you have your youthful vigor pumping strenuously. The years when you have your hormones excreting uncontrollably. The time when you can have crushes here and there. The period when you experience your first love ever. How blissful those years are. But those were the days where anything you do is considered cute and acceptable, you do not have to face financial issue, you do not have to mess up your mind thinking what I should do to make sure I am on the right track, what if I start dating and bla…bla…bla. 

Although It’s pretty much of a saddening moment when I finally have to kiss goodbye to 19 age when the clock hits 12 a.m. way back in the mid of March, I am glad I finally make this far. By that I mean I have lived on this earth for 20 years, borrowing the air from Him to breathe, health from Him to be able to carry out duties to Him and mind from Him to think what is good and what is wrong. At last, age matures me, but I’m not nearly as smart and matured as I think I am. Young, nimble and spry still. LOL

About my current status…I have long been single, swore never again to go coupling because I come to realize that it’s not the right way to find the right other half. Seriously, I am in no mood to have a serious relationship. The relationship that I have now with my studies (what a joke!) is already pretty cumbersome to be handled, what more of taking care a girl. Would that not mean a total eclipse of the sun? Absolutely.

So please do not be bothered to ask me on date or getting-know-each-other-better. I am apathetic to those things. I just want to pray and waiting for my Cinderella to drop her glass shoes which is just another perpetuating dreaming cloud (stop dreaming!). But that does not mean we can’t be friends. I love making bonds, especially friendship. It widens your cliques and social circle. However, talking about hitting this number of 20 makes feel a bit older when everyone as of my age starts walking down the aisle. The best solution is to tell myself it is just not your turn yet…I just have lots of things to achieve before settling down for good. 

2# A first year student of BEd TESL

Teach till you drop

For god sake, I doubt myself when I first enter the preparatory program way back in 2010. I actually struggle to adjust myself to the so-called new environment of a teacher trainee at a teacher training college from the atmosphere that I have used to at UiTM Kuantan where they have these fantabulous facilities for students where I enroll myself in TESL foundation program. Among the negativities that I have in me are will I be able to stay until the end? Why must I be at this godforsaken place (no judgment)? What is wrong with the system? Why people dislike us (teslian)? And the questions keep mounting up itself.

Yet…here I am writing this as a coming second year student of BEd TESL. How elated I am when I know I pass the final exam of foundation years which holds the key to the lock of degree-years gate. Although my first year of degree starts off pretty well that I really think there is nothing could stop my way…little did I know thing turns out to be such a terrible catastrophe last semester and I personally feel the tremor. Though I didn’t ever hope for it to happen, it just happens and I accept it wholeheartedly. There must be a reason, right? You know, people who want to bring you down never take a day off to pull you downward the spiral. What a life! Screw them all…haven’t you heard I already did. And now great, I have to double or maybe triple my effort to make it up to the grade that I lose which teaches me something, not to take things for granted.

3# Travel

It is just so hard not to fall apart whenever I try recounting the moments we have shared throughout the journey. The moments we have had are real, authentic and unadultered joy. We laugh. We joke. We smile. Ecstatic. It’s the first time ever I travel with my own money that I save up from the beginning of semester, with my own accord, with just friends (no mums and dads). I just have no idea when and where the idea of travelling first pops out. But it’s indeed splendid. You know the undecipherable feeling when you finally get what you always want, you feel like doing several backflips to release this fleeting feeling or punching your fist into the air just because you know you finally did it! We have witnessed to each other, undertaking countless ups and downs, twists and turns just to make sure we could make it till the very end. (Kota Kinabalu, 2012)

us

To recapitulate…I have no exact resolutions for the coming year of 2013. I just hope 2013 will be a fantastic year for me to improve myself, a year of so full of blessing and happiness. Let’s see what 2013 has to offer for me. May you have a wonderful life ahead too!

Who would you believe?

It is my obnoxious way of saying that lies travel fast and boy did my terminological inexactitude accelerate with velocity. Worry not...this isn't one of those Disney channel tales where every story has a happy ending or a hot buzz featuring on the front cover of Time magazine.

You know, it hurts so much when someone you care about does such a thing to you or in exact, say something bad about you behind your back. Backstabbed much? Indeed. What saddens me most is that people simply believe what that particular person says. Truthfully, there have been two sides to this story. Yet people just digest what is being told to them without asking me, what is the gossip churning about these days. No matter how hard I try explaining the real predicament...words seem to fall on the floor and no one gives a fudge to know the truth. Sadly to just live with the guilt and bury their noses into the thin air of false account of my indecency. It's first a little low on grist but then it spreads like wildfire which makes me concerned how this news circulates around. 

Though I try so hard with all my might to stay strong, I am torn. Needless to say, broken beyond repair. Never in my life had I thought there is such derogatory person on this world. How grateful I am if I could curb myself from mingling around this type of person. S/he is poisonous. Every word s/he says is a venom coming out from the jaws of a snake. Hate it when this involves eldest. Sometimes eldest are privy to idle adolescent dramas and gossips. However, their involvement just makes matter even worst! Partly because they live in different time frame where a simple solution could man up a problem. But this is now, it's really happening.  

Facing the reality and rival is as hard as chewing and churning the truth that is banging out to escape from a closet inside. What actually happens to our chivalry? Does it only happen in a movie? How sweet and delightful it is if I have enough courage to get me the heck out of this cauldron. Chin and head up...come on...treat this as another phase of sailing this grown-up sea. Just hope one fine day the truth will be revealed and unfolded itself. Real man will win after all, huh? Tsk.  

#maybe that someone should have been more careful and vigilant when saying something in the water closet.

Faith

:)

There's yet another need for religion which is created by man's life, hopes and pains. It's man's need for a mighty and unfailing supporter at times of hardship and crisis. When a person loses something or someone he loves, fails to achieve something, or is stricken by misfortune, it is the religion faiths, which can give him support, strength, hope, condolence and patience. 

The belief that Allah is just, merciful and fair gives man psychological peace and spiritual strength which breathe into him buoyancy of spirit, optimism and the ability to view the universe from a wider and brighter perspective. This was he can endure his pain and see them as part of this short mortal life. Philosophy, science, money, children and the possession of the entire world would fail to provide man with the peace, hope and solace that his religious faith can provide.

Therefore, a man who lives without faith to fall back on in times of adversity lives with inner turmoil, distracted and pull in every direction. Have faith in Him, the most gracious and merciful. To Him we share our happiness, gratitude and sadness - to seek for forgiveness, help and refuge. Just so we are clear everything happens for a reason and that must be the best for us.  

HIKMAH

Alhamdulillah.

All praises to be upon him.

I manage to sail by last semester without any major hiccup or stormy seas. Let me just keep it to myself how much I score yet just enough to let me savor and secure next semester.

I am contented when in fact this semester grade drops so badly. Drop myself out from the top students list is so not okay – the legacy that I work so hard to retain. What a colossal shame! For once, a total loser and bimbo I feel, hoisting a white flag.

Being me, as resentment rests heavily in my chest, I struggle to navigate myself through this shudder inducing reality. However such an ungrateful of me if I put what he has bellowed upon me in vain.

As much as I want to frown upon this losing, I must remember how many of my friends who are unlucky enough to get by last semester. I must realize that He still loves me for that He lets me passed this semester. The biggest lesson of a lifetime have I learnt – being at the bottom.

Couldn't be any true. :')

How wonderful God’s plan is. If this doesn’t happen, I would not stand a chance to feel the ambience of being at the bottom. I may have been too long gasping the air at mountain top, now is time to go down deep into the bottom of the sea to see what it has to offer. I cannot always get to win. I also need to learn how to lose to stay balance. Just so great I get to taste the best of both worlds.

Much to my surprise, it makes me even stronger than I have ever thought. Who is in the right mind would not be sad. I too feel ashamed. To not let my emotions overwhelm my body which could result in deleterious event of crying, I gather up enough courage to etch a smile on my lips and make some silly jokes to say that I’m doing great and fine – that’s how I roll. I must be strong and stayed golden for everyone.

Teaching me to swallow my own pride is the most valuable lesson I attain. I may have been too complacent all this while – simply take things for granted without having the conscience that it isn't immortal. Now I learn my lesson and it is time to get things right. Looks like someone is on the downward spiral. Telling myself to stay calm seems to be difficult. However, I am just positive that you now have got work all out to be there once again and it boosts my spirit.

Fall once doesn't mean losing forever. Just as long as you know the exit strategy and have the gut to climb up the stairs again, and embark on a new journey. May He make me strong and patient to endure this test. 

Oh Allah...I thank you.

Time to get over it and move on.

Keep Calm

I loathe myself for letting negative feeling and thoughts evade my mind. Those deteriorating elements enervate my spirit and enthusiasm to keep my head held high for days ahead. At this moment, all I need is word of wisdom or someone murmurs into my elfin ears, "No worries, you have done your best. Let Allah do the rest." to look forward for a brighter future.

Yeah...sometimes I neglect the importance of praying and the significance of du'a - the biggest and potent weapons that a Muslim man has. An intangible bond that never has an end, but few really utilizes its incomparable power. There must a reason why he gives his servant this. not that. A hikmah. You get what you give and He will always bellow upon you what is the best for you, in sha Allah.   

I just hope what is coming next would be something nice and beneficial to me that I could be brave enough to take the steps upon forging this road not taken.