Comfort Zone

"Twenty years from now you will be more disappointed by the things that you didn't do than by the ones you did do. So throw off the bowlines. Sail away from the safe harbor. Catch the trade winds in your sails. Explore. Dream. Discover." - Mark Twain

After all these years, regret is never in my dictionary of life, and boy was I glad so much to have made it this far despite all the sacrifices I had to make. But yeah, no pain gains nothing. 

4 Waja

I possibly cannot believe the fact that my tenure at this school, SK Padang Keria as a practicum teacher, teaching year 4 English is finally over for good. After a month being here, deep inside my heart, how hard I wish time has moved slower so that I could savour more good times with my pupils and school community, to get to know all of them better.

The last day was resplendent with tears and poignancy. It is just difficult to finally bid farewell to those people, especially my pupils after a month, a short time have we spent together through good and bad times. Thank you for giving me that little chance to experience this moment. So sorry for all the weaknesses and the emotional rage on my side. I just did what I deemed I should do as a teacher. I heart you guys and surely will be going to miss you all dearly. 

We shall say no goodbye, till we meet again. May all of you be putra putri yang soleh dan solehah. All the very best. ;')

I just miss that strange look you guys always give whenever I give instruction in English. Kinda cute.

colourful days ahead

credit to Visit Perlis

credit to Visit Perlis

credit to Visit Perlis

Seoul? Osaka? Sydney? Put that thought away. This is just in Perlis and is occurring now. "Spring" is in the air anywhere in here!

Not a long time ago did we experience the coldest weather in the history of Perlis and after that, preceded by the drought which causes some outrage of water shortage. But now, Alhamdulillah...it seems to be that all the tress and flowers are blossoming at their best, frolicking in the breeze all day. SubhanAllah, very colourful and beautiful. You just know the season is finally coming when it drizzles early in the morning. What a bliss! :)

*be thankful and enjoy this little gift from Him while it lasts before it is gone for good because we may not know if we were still given another chance to see this beauty next year. 

SK Padang Keria, Sanglang

Every now and then, I do try finding some times to write or scribble something not over here, at the very least. Now that I have just started my very first school practicum, I just get busier with tons of works and commitment. A busy bee, indeed. Ain't nobody got time to fool around.

First practicum

A week has passed. I like doing whatever I do now though sometimes it gives me a headache and a mess. Yet, it doesn't turn my exuberance to vapour. I am teaching year 4 English despite of my inadequacy in this so-called global language, which makes me think they deserve someone better than me in this business. 

Thus far, they are behaving so well, even the most mischievous in the class is in control. Kids, just bear with me, my attitude, my madness, and my weaknesses for another 3 weeks to go. And on my part, I will try my very best with my own writ and grit to make every lesson interesting and engaging as I need that extra edge for my marks too. Tehee...

Till then, have a good day!   

That evening to the pier

You know that feeling that comes over the semester break, when you want to go somewhere, but can't think of anywhere to go because it is either a) you think that you always go back to the same places or b) you don't have any plan in your mind and your financial situation always pushes you to the wall. And being me, the one who always returns home whenever there is a chance. Well, whenever that happens, remember that there is always somewhere new and near to discover!

SubhanAllah. :)

That evening, just like any other days, I had nothing in mind. Not even a plan to go out. But, it so happened that I'd just had my car serviced and I could feel the urge to go out squirmed all over me. Given that my roommate is here at my hometown, so I decided to bring him to the place I'd been bragging about to him incessantly for the past 3 days he has been here.

His jaw dropped in awe and so was mine, immediately we were there. We walked to the tip while watching the sunset stretched across the horizon as far as the eyes could see and formed an array of reflection on the water around the coast. How cool it was! Watching the sun shied away was one thing, and having ourselves been shoved by the wind was another thing. Nothing beat this feeling after a hell of a week. A blessing, indeed. Definitely worth a visit next time since it's free, what more you can ask! 

:D 

Am I weird?

Because being normal is plain boring

Am I weird?

Weird in the sense that my knowledge on certain discourse that guys are well known of is below the average guy would have, like anything about cars and football. Let's just say it's near zero. To have more friends of opposite gender than my own gender and feel more comfortable with them. And boy, they even know whom I am having a major crush on. Just a crush.  

To prefer talking about places I would love to travel than anything related to footballs and stuffs because I just love the breath of fresh air at a new place. To rather bury my nose in books, one after another than going outside in the field playing sports - having my skin kissed by the sun. But that doesn't mean I'm not an outdoorsy type of person for I love walking on beach watching the sunset and letting the wave hit my feet, and strolling in a park watching people pass by and lush trees and colourful flower bring tranquility to the heart, eyes, and mind.

I might be the strangest kid around the block, yet it is because I am embracing who I am - the nature that Allah has made me and accepting myself for I have all the freedom in this world to do whatever that suits my interest so long as it aligns with the religion I believe in. So guys or gals, don't be afraid to wear who you are and to be weird just the way you are because no one else can love ourselves the most, but we are. 

Aren't we always looking for something different? :)

*chill 

No eternal spring

Life does not spring eternally when the flower are blossoming to the full colourful bloom. Sometimes it dries up and wilts during summer days. Sometimes it drops its petal and leaves during autumn. And sometimes it is covered by snow during winter. But then again, it never fails to find light and blossom again during spring.

The key is to persevere and I must be persistent.

Life is an adventure with constant struggle worth investing. And my current struggle is burning out my head throughout meeting the deadlines of a mountain of works. But sad enough, the more I spend time on it, the less idea I could glean and cudgel from the brain of mine. Not that I'm totally burnt out, but I just run out of ideas. Or I have yet to feel the heat and get freshened up from the brand new semester. 

What has gone wrong? I have tried my very best to kick away the lethargy that mutates inside. Certainly I must do better than just trying. The thing about me struggling with my studies somewhat deciphers my hiatus from this site, for I realize, little did I write stuffs like I used to do, which is good to allow more time for me to do self-reflection. Even if I do, it would some snatches on either facebook or twitter. 

The pressure is intense, yet a little less as compared to my friends who struggle with their final year thesis. I must keep holding on and fighting. Come hell or high water, I shall survive. *Fighting

don't you just love cherry blossom during spring?

Why so serious

Not to be left behind, pray more

Failed miserably in living up to the expectations set.

I know I have not written much lately despite the fact that I have promised myself to write real a lot just to keep my thoughts flowing. I did try to scribble something just satisfy my ultimate orgasm of writing, but words seem to fall on the floor. Kinda stuck, and lost in the persecution of hypocrisy figuring out the reasons behind all this cause.

I have tried to pent up something that will not make me look like a complete hypocrite and loser. I guess, in writing I'm just as good as nobody. Ironic in the sense that my words speak a little more than a fraud of my own eccentric train of thought and couple that to the fact that nobody really cares about stuff I write. Lamenting for no apparent reasons doesn't keep the work going. So should the need arise for me to stop whatever angst young adult drama here. Yup. 

...  

School placement for my very first practicum is finally out and no longer a surprise floating in the air of confusion and anxiety. Considered lucky to be posted to that school which I'm not going to reveal until then, with my crime partner, Faiz. So happened that we are the only couple to be posted there, neither senior nor other courses counterpart from the batch of mine. So much so, so long as we have each other, come hell or high water, we shall survive (with Allah's will).

Pretty funny to think that how we anxiously waited for the list to come out for months. When it is finally here, we feel a weigh is being lifted off our shoulder. I try to make a joke out of it, "guess the school we are going to never exists in our radar until we are posted there". No hard feeling. Rest assured, nevertheless, looking very most forward to bring my genie energy to that school and see what this school has to offer to paint more colours in my life.

*hate that my weekends are ripped from my right.  

That morning the wind blows

I will not let myself sail by this month writing barely minimum posts. Deep down at the bottom of my heart, I have always wanted to write more, at least a post a week just to give myself a solid platform to hone my writing skills which are still mediocre and in need to be ameliorated with the most. But heck, I fail miserably.

Third year of BTchng (TESL)

To top it all, my third year of undergraduate studies is going really fast at the rate I hardly get a proper breather with a mountain of tasks need to be handed in before we are going out for our first teaching practicum which requires my writing skill to be at the best level possible after a good 2-months holiday.

My plate is pretty full and I couldn’t let any second wasted on unnecessary things.

Okay, I may have aggrandized a bit since the truth is that I have much leeway time to enjoy the bestest weather this state has ever experienced, and watch movie one after another.  Procrastination detected!

Cold days every now and then.

Speaking of the weather, it has been pretty chilly and windy the past weeks until now. Note that this is quite rare for this one state to have its temperature plunged to near 20c. I kid you not. I like the ambience the weather brings to this place when the leaves on the trees start to fall on the ground and scatter around, thus create scenery of autumn foliage you will never get to see in other months.

Every morning, howling sound of strong wind wakes me up. It takes me sometimes to jump out of my bed because I feel better mellowing myself in the cocoon of loneliness disguising itself as a fluffy duvet that keep me warm from cold and keep me company almost every night. And again…it takes real courage out of my male bravado to brave through the alfresco hallway to the washroom to get refreshed. With the strong wind that shoves me right away when I open my room door, my body trembles from the coldness. How adventurous my morning is!

But that doesn’t dampen my spirit to wake up early in the morning to perform my duty as a Muslim, to give thanks to Allah for being given another chance to live and repent, and…the nikmat of cold days because never in my wildest thought this could happen to this state. This is beyond normal realms of thinking. And it isn’t right to think we could steer it because Allah is far superior than His creations, us. There must be a reason why Allah makes it this way.  

So much so, isn’t obvious that Allah is the most powerful that He could do everything on His will? To change anything the way He wants it in a split second…that He owns this world and all its contents including us…MashaAllah…

Before He takes everything that is once ours…let’s say Alhamdulillah for all the blessing given. 

:)

Give it a rest, that's all it took.

You know those days when everything seems to go wrong? Like those nightmares where you can’t seem to accomplish anything yet can’t seem to escape either…

And that happened to me.

If memory served me right, I remembered months of being in an abyss of darkness and pain, where I felt there was no end in sight. The more I tried not to think about it, the more I did and, the more I died inside. Every day passed by in agonising slowness, and numbness and pain were the only two emotions I felt contained within. Sometimes the heartache would take on a physical dimension, and I would suffer real physical pain, something I never knew could be possible. My chest would tighten and my lungs would feel constricted, and sometimes I really did feel like dying.

Giving up.

The only thought that evaded the mind and soul at that time was a long lingering thought of giving up, festering within the deepest recesses of your mind, just waiting for the right moment to overcome your senses to let everything slipped through my fingers because there was no use anymore to live and fight for, just consigning myself to the fate. My world had indeed come to an end. I was in a complete blur.

But I held on.

All it took was a small microsecond of a thought, life isn't a sailing ship. I figure almost everyone has had a moment, no matter how brief, to be at the bottom of life cycle, to be broken beyond repair. We are human beings, and we all come to a certain phase in our lives where we will be tested, sometimes beyond what we imagine we can endure.

I knew it sounded cliched, but I turned to God more than I ever did in the previous years of my life. My prayers started to become regular, and I found comfort there. I found new joy in being with my family. I immersed myself in learning about the religion I strongly believed in, in depth. I embraced and appreciate the friends I had around until now because they are always there for me, ups and downs. I made it a habit to travel every year to anywhere as far as money was concerned to eradicate the resentment that rested heavily in my heart. Eventually, although the pain did not go disappear, it became bearable, though certain times were more difficult than others.

And I remembered clearly, one day, I woke up in the morning and found no tightness in my chest. I remembered seeing the morning sky, as if I was seeing it for the first time, and the haze that I had been in for the past year had been lifted. The pain was gone. I was finally able to get on with life, not by escaping the pain, or finding comfort in other things. I just gave myself time to internalize what had gone wrong, to reapply the cement on the cracked wall and what was there need to be rectified for the betterment of my life.

I know that my story is hardly unique, and that millions upon millions of people all over the world go through the same thing every day... But that is exactly my point that life is so full of challenges to add colours and spices to our life.

p/s. May the new year bring more joys and blessing in your life ahead! :)

White Crater, Ciwidey, 2013.